This Article is Rated R


One of the great things about working for Dave Palumbo is the flexibility he gives us as editors. He gives us the ability to say nearly anything we want to without damaging relationships we have with consumers and sponsors. He gives us the chance to say anything, anything we want and more importantly, how we want to say it. So, within that breath let me tell you, I fucking hate this time of year. No, not the Santa/family/giving/happy/snow/festivus/alcohol part of the year. But the other part...

Yes folks, it is THAT time of year again. We head to the gym for our usual training sessions and are hit by the mob mentality of fat lemmings heading into their local gym for that “New Year’s Resolution”. “I wanna be skinny”, “I wanna be fit”, “I wanna add muscle”, “I wanna blah blah blah...” Shut the fuck up. Jesus H Christ on a Popsicle stick, all of you fat, bloated, stank, punk assed, degenerate fat fucks who have no clue other than what they “learned” from those god damned P90X infofuckyoumercials, Mens Health magazine and Suzanne fucking Summers… can kiss our collective asses. Go find a Pilates, Crossfit, Zumba, Jazzercise studio near you and leave us in the gym the fuck alone.

Understand, I, of all people, am far from perfect. That’s not the point. I am speaking for the countless men and women that go to the gym year ‘round, not those setting out to create a faux sense of who they are. Whether you train year round for health, preventive maintenance, an athletic endeavor or because you simply wanna feel good, it’s these people who I am speaking for.

Now I am never one to shun someone honestly willing to learn something new and apply it in a manner that will give them not only success toward their goal, but a better life for it. To all of you, I applaud your efforts. But it is this lemming mentality that follows what Ryan Seacrest or US Magazine says is the best way to lose weight and look like a Victoria’s Secret model. It’s these people, who just because Jarred said he lost 40 dress sizes in 4 weeks, will park in the closest parking spot at the gym. That is followed by bringing their diet coke with them as their hydration because it has “caffeine” to help them burn fat more efficiently. That is followed by us being subject to their full face of makeup, perfect hair and smell like a cologne kiosk at the god damn mall. Take that shit someplace else. Stay home, burn one and find your bag of Doritos when the munchies attack.

Recently a Planet Fucking Fitness (PFF for short) opened down the road from SallyAnne and I. I plan to sit in the parking lot in the early evening hours of January 2nd and watch the parade go by. The Oompa Loompa and Tammy Faye Baker Lemming Brigades will undoubtedly be in full force in those next few weeks. I will do my best not to cry to hard from all of the hysterical laughter that is bound to be generated by this guaranteed freakfest of humanity.

Now, I applaud the small percentage of folks who come in having spent some time researching what they need to be successful and find a worthy trainer to help get them pointed in the right direction. I not only applaud, but am openly willing to answer people’s questions and give them advice from what I have learned over the past 28 years in the gym. I am happy to help them understand better exercise options, food types and timing as well as saving money by avoiding some of the junk supplements passed off by “Nutrition Experts.”

There is a couple who trains at one of the gyms train at here in West Texas that I watched in amazement show up every evening, drop their kids in day care and promptly bust their ass’s in their quest to create betterment. I asked them what their motivation was. In short they told me that they found it difficult to get up and down off the floor to play with their children. They had to set better examples to their young children on how to live and eat as well as have respect for themselves and others. In roughly 6 months they lost a combined 110lbs. That was last year. I saw them recently and they are leaner, healthier and happier than ever in their relationship…. And they still go to the gym 4 days a week.

Speaking of gyms and personal trainers… remember this; the overwhelming, vast majority of them could give two fucks about you. The gyms want to sell you a membership that they know has an attrition rate of more than 70%. Personal trainers want to sell you big, huge packages of training, and some will even finance it and allow you to pay for it over time, just like your membership! Wow, what a deal. But after more than a few weeks, numerous lower gastrointestinal issues, and more pain than your Oompa Loompa ass has ever seen before, you will search for a way out of your contracts. Better have your mother add your name to the water bill in another state to show them that you are “moving” to give you leverage at getting out of that contract. Otherwise, you will pay for that piece of shit contract for the next 2 years because you got conned into because it was such a good deal!

Back to my rant: all of us should be ok in a few weeks time. The Lemming Brigade will all be wrapped up in the NFL playoffs, the Final Four and other couch potato related activities to remember that they have a gym membership. They will finally realize that they have one when they go to their local 7-11 to buy their favorite frosty carbonated beverage along with their favorite powdered cheese crisps only to have their debit card declined. As they return home to find out why, they realize that pesky gym membership took its monthly allotment from their checking account.

Good luck trying to cancel that.

My next rant? Scrawny ass'ed college boy Abercrombie wannabe's using Pro Hormones and their Imaginary Lat Syndrome.

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