You know what really Grinds my Gears – people that complain about contest prep.
So you’ve been dieting for over 16 weeks, eating the same tasteless meals day by day, dreaming about all the food out there you would normally be eating if it weren’t for this damn contest prep. On your way to work you drive past what seems like hundreds of billboards advertising that new burger at McDonald’s.
You just competed in your very first Novice competition. After that gruelling battle in front of a crowd of about 27 people, you’re proud to walk off stage with a third place trophy! Hey, so what if there were only 3 competitors in your category, your friends that didn’t show up to watch you on the day won’t know that. You’re walking away with some hardware and at the end of the day that $13 plastic trophy is all that matters. Now, it’s time to step up to the big leagues, you’re ready to pass on your wisdom and knowledge. The experience of your very first novice show has opened the doors for you to a world of opportunities. It’s time to become a prep coach!
By Mark ‘Grechy’ Grech
You can smell it in the air... comp season has arrived! You may have noticed a few unapproachable docile meatheads in the gym as of late, dragging their feet around the gym floor, death-staring every individual who smiles and asks them how they are feeling. It is the time of year when the bodybuilding community band together to talk about how shredded they are, how tired they feel, and what the first thing is they are going to eat as soon as they hop on stage.
Now seeing that all of these competitors are feeling a little overly sensitive lately, I’m going to point out a few things that they should not be doing leading up to a comp. Probably should of posted this article a few weeks ago because there is no doubt in my mind that a few of you out there are guilty of a few of the following. I look forward to all the illiterate threatening emails from all you carb depleted competitors bagging me out and telling me how much you hate me right now, it’s ok, you’ll forget all about it in a few weeks...
DO NOT - publicly announce your intention of competing in an upcoming bodybuilding or figure completion. Why? Because no-one cares. You’re not Phil Heath – PERIOD. The first thing I tell anyone that I help prep for a show is that they must not go on Facebook, MySpace or whatever the fuck else and make a public announcement that they are competing on this day, in this category, at this destination. The people who feel the need to publicly announce they intensions of competing are at the majority of the time the people who don’t get a call-out, or even end up stepping foot on the stage. By all means, tell your close friends and family members, maybe make a small announcement a couple of weeks or days before to try and get some butts on seats, but don’t make it out as if your public announcement is going to shock the very foundations of Australian bodybuilding, and that it was news that everyone have been sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to hear. This takes me to my next point -
DO NOT - publicly announce your heart-wrenching decision to pull out of your comp 6 weeks out due to some piss-poor excuse. Why? Because the crowd is already filled with hundreds of people who look out onto that stage and talk about how they would have walked away with a trophy if they hadn’t of pulled out a few weeks ago. We don’t need another one. People cared about the time Branch Warren pulling out of the Olympia due to a quad tear. People don’t care about you pulling out of your first novice event due to a broken toe-nail.
DO NOT - try and start sussing out who you may be competing against on the day. It shouldn’t matter who else steps out on that stage with you. You only have control of how YOU look on the day, and have zero control of how anyone else looks. I walked out on stage and got beat by a 120kg 7 foot tall Vegetarian Indian who came out of no-where to snatch a pro-card on the day. I looked like a midgets thumb standing next to this guy. But what the fuck could I do? Pull out and waste 16 weeks of dieting? Put on a balaclava and take out his kneecaps backstage with a crowbar? Sabotage his Contest Colour with green dye so he can walk out on stage looking like a jacked up Yoda? Fuck no. You never know what monster can turn up to compete against you on the day, so save yourself the stress and just worry about looking your absolute best.
DO NOT - USE Guy Sebastian’s “Battle scars” as your competition routine song. I fuckin hate that song.
That’ll do me for now. I sincerely wish the very best to all competitors competing in all upcoming shows. I’ll be the fat guy in the crowd with a mouthful of McDonalds cheering you all on, while throwing the occasion sledge or two.
You know what really grinds my gears... people who think they have haters.
I'm going to start off this article by quoting my very own Facebook status update posted only a few weeks ago... "Why does everyone think they have haters? You don't have haters. Only famous people have haters. The people that know you just think you're a douchbag!"
By Mark ‘Grechy’ Grech
The following information will be remembered thousands of years from now as the 6 commandments of bodybuilding! The information won’t help you look your best, or give you any tips on how to win a show, but it will save you thousands of dollars in counselling fees.
It seems that the number of people who consider themselves actual “Bodybuilders” is increasing at a rapid rate. So many people now find it absolutely necessary to post photos of each of their meals on Facebook and update their statuses on a daily basis mentioning what body parts they trained and how awesome their “pump” was. My favourites are the posing images taken in the locker room post workout, then put up on Facebook just after the contrast and light is adjusted to make you look even more ‘shredded’.